Beer Snob on a Budget? Brew Your Own!

Times are tight for everybody; people are cinching up their belts, taking pay-cuts, and even getting laid off. You turn on the news, and it’s down-right depressing. If only there was something that you could drink to make your problems magically go away (at least until the next morning when you wake up with a pounding headache and a manatee sharing your bed).

What’s that, you say? There IS such a delightful beverage? But, of course there is! It’s beer! But who can afford beer, these days? It’s all we can do just to put food on the table. Well in times like these, there is only one solution: Make your own. Just follow these simple steps, and for about $100 you’ll be off the wagon in no time.

1. Get A Kit

Sure, there are tons of ways out there to make beer from scratch and you’re just dying to get started. Well slow down, there, Anheuser. Odds are pretty good that your kitchen isn’t well-stocked enough to get you to Blackoutville (Got any malt laying around? Yeah. Didn’t think so). So get a kit. It will make your life way easier.

2. Boil the Malt, Make the Wort

Now that you have your shiny new home-brew kit, you’re all set and ready to get started. First off, you mix your malt, water, and hops (some kits come with a malt/hops blend), and bring to a boil. You now have a nasty-sounding concoction called wort, which is the primary ingredient in beer. Try to resist the urge to guzzle; there’s no alcohol in it, yet.

3. Time to Ferment!

Okay, you’ve made the wort; now it’s time to give it a little kick. After you’ve cooled the wort, it’s time to add the yeast (most kits come with it). Over time, that yeast will eat away at the sugars in the wort to create alcohol. However, in defiance of proper logic, the alcohol eating away at your liver will NOT create more alcohol.

4. Ready. Set. WAIT!

They (whoever they are) say that the waiting is the hardest part. They’re right. Unfortunately, the fermentation process takes time. About a week, to be precise. We suggest you use this time to go to your favorite bars and liquor stores so you can explain to them why very soon you’re going to be too awesome for them.

5. Bottle It Up!

After the week is up, it’s time to put your beer in individual bottles and add priming sugar for carbonation. Brown bottles are better than clear or green, because brown keeps light out better. Anyone who has ever spent a Saturday morning with the shades pulled down knows that light is the enemy of beer, both before and after consumption.

6. Wait Some More

Patience, grasshopper; it’s almost over. There’s not much worse than flat beer, but if you don’t give it another week to carbonate, it’ll be flat before you even start. Go back to the bar and remind them how awesome you are.

7. Bottoms Up!

Finally! It’s time to enjoy the fruit of your labor. So get on the horn, call over a few buddies, turn on the game, and crack open your own special blend. If all went according to plan, you should have a smooth, refreshing brew and not something that would turn Keith Richards’s stomach. On second thought, you might want to grab a 30-pack, too. You know, just in case.

Until next time,

Clay