Welcome to The Space Between

Between what, you ask? It could be many things. The space between the lines. The space between the rain. The space between reality and dreams. It can mean anything you want it to mean. Because one of my favorite writers, Orson Scott Card, once said that the story is only half told by the writer. The reader adds the other half with their own experiences, with their own interpretation of the story, with what it means to them. I like that. It's a nice thought, and I hope that people will add their own interpretations to my own writing. I hope that I can join with you, the reader, and connect with you on a level where we tell the story together, whatever that story may be.

It actually came down to The Space Between and The Rabbit Hole (inspired by Alice in Wonderland), and I must admit that my illustrious benefactors over at Appeal preferred the latter, but a good friend by the name of April presented a valid argument for the former, and I was kind of leaning that way, anyway. I still like the name The Rabbit Hole, but I've always thought that would be an awesome name for a club. Maybe one day I'll be able to open that club, so I'm going to save that name. You know, just in case. ;)

So The Space Between it is, and The Space Between it shall be. I hope that you enjoy my writings, as I plan to post both original work here as well as my published work for the various print publications with which I am affiliated. To get the ball rolling, I transplanted my blog from Myspace, almost 30 posts, dating back a few years. So, um, if you find that a few posts are a little dated, yet were just added recently, it's because I actually wrote it when it was current, and it has just been moved over from the old blogs.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy my new home. I know I will. Keep reading. You just might enjoy yourself!

Until next time,

Clay

Sparkles and Fangs: An Outsider's Take on the Terrifying Trend of Twilight and True Blood

Vampires. It seems like they’re everywhere. Ever since the fifteenth century, when a certain Transylvanian count by the name of Vlad (who would later inspire the character Dracula) developed his penchant for impaling his victims on stakes and, according to legend, drinking their blood (apparently he liked the taste), people have been fascinated by the vampire legend.

In recent years, despite our departure from superstition in general, it seems that our fascination with these mysterious creatures of the night has grown. Back in the eighties, we were enthralled with the mulleted, angsty teenage blood-suckers of The Lost Boys; in the nineties it was the glamorous, vaguely homo-erotic vampires of Anne Rice that captured our attention. The legend has grown and evolved over time, from folklore and literature to TV shows, movies, video-games, role-playing games, and comic books. Vampires have taught us to count (Sesame Street officially denies that the Count is a vampire, but come on), and even been a part of a nutritious breakfast (looking at you, Chocula!). The list goes on.

But never before has the trend reached such a fever pitch as we are seeing today. Suddenly, kids are dressing like vampires; fangs are sold year-round (i.e. not just at Halloween), and sales of glitter are through the roof. The vampire market is apparently recession-proof, and from what I can tell, all of the recent craziness over the blood-suckers flows from two principle sources: the HBO series True Blood (based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris), and Stephenie Meyer’s teen-lit epic Twilight, which has spawned a series of movies, the second of which, New Moon, is set to open in theaters to undoubtedly sold-out crowds of screaming teenage girls (not to mention quite a few screaming, not-so-teenage men and women) in November. The trend has even made its way onto Comedy Central’s South Park

I, however, have not been one to catch vampire fever. Sure, I loved horror movies when I was growing up. Fright Night and The Lost Boys were definitely two of my favorites, and when Rice’s Vampire Chronicles was at the height of its popularity, I was just as into it as anyone else. But the current trend has thus far eluded me. Perhaps I really don’t feel I would enjoy these new twists on the vampire legend; perhaps it is merely my macho pride and my fear that I might actually enjoy it; I really don’t know.

I must admit, though, that my curiosity has begun to get the better of me. The popularity of True Blood, and even the Twilight series, has begun to transcend the limitations of age or gender. What I have long considered fodder for pre-pubescent girls has gained considerable ground among grown women, and quite a few guys are starting to catch on, as well. So I decided to fire up the DVD player, lock myself in my apartment for the weekend armed with Twilight, the first season of True Blood, and enough food and water to keep me alive through the ordeal, and I set to the task of finally seeing what all the fuss was about. Oh, and for good measure, I also checked out the first episode of The Vampire Diaries, the new show on the CW, which itself is based on a book series of the same name by L.J. Smith, just to round out the list. Here’s my take, in order of viewing:

True Blood

The gist: Set in the small town of Bon Temps, LA, True Blood takes place in a world where shapeshifters, telepaths, and vampires rub elbows with mere mortals as a matter of day to day life. With the recent development of synthetic blood, or “Tru Blood,” vampires have “come out of the coffin,” and are now struggling to assimilate themselves into human society. Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin), a virginal, telepathic waitress in a local tavern, meets Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer), a Civil War-veteran vampire who still holds on to a sliver of his former humanity, and after a series of adventures, the two begin a relationship.

My take: Not too bad, actually. As a matter of fact, out of all three titles, True Blood was by far my favorite. Bill is my kind of blood-sucker: old-fashioned, loaded with baggage, and susceptible to sunlight (the vampires in the other two titles aren’t- more on that later), and Sookie is just the right combination of tough and naively adorable to create the perfect ingénue. Their story, as well as that of the supporting cast, will probably have me coming back for more, as the plot deftly touches on ideas of racism and discrimination without ever taking itself too seriously.

The show does have some serious drawbacks, though, most noticeably the terrible, horrible, no-good, just-plain-lousy accents, in particular the forced, pseudo-hillbilly drawl of Rutina Wesley as Sookie’s best friend Tara. Now I’m sure that Miss Wesley is a fine actress. There are even times in True Blood where I am moved by her performance. But for any casting director to let something like that pass is just unacceptable. NOBODY talks like that. If these accents were something that they hadn’t heard before, I could let it go. But this show is filmed right outside of Shreveport. There’s just no excuse for that. The show also has quite a few cheesy moments that leave me shaking my head in wonder, but for the most part, this one is pretty watchable.

Twilight

The gist: Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), an angsty teenage girl, is uprooted from her home in Arizona and is forced to live with her father, the chief of police in the sleepy town of Fork, WA, where she is soon swept up in the world of vampires and werewolves when she develops a relationship with angsty teenage vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson).

My take: Ugh. Seriously, this is something that I just couldn’t get into. It turned out to be exactly what I feared it would be, and then some. To be fair, perhaps something is lost in the translation from the page to the big screen. I sincerely hope so. It’s like Twilight goes out of its way to be cheesy. The love story is derivative, and the visual style of the movie is just depressing. I understand the vampires being pale. They’re supposed to be. But the whole town? I mean, even the Native Americans in this movie were pale. At one point Jacob used the term pale-face and I had to pause the movie until I stopped laughing.

My other gripe is with the vampires themselves. I understand that every author that writes a new vampire story will take creative license, and they will tweak the legend to suit their purposes. Bram Stoker did it when he wrote the original Dracula, Anne Rice did it with the Vampire Chronicles, and Marvel did it with Blade. But one thing has always been universal: Vampires are creatures of the night. The sun hurts them. That’s their weakness, and it’s the only way we stand a chance. In Twilight, though, sunlight doesn’t hurt them. They don’t burst into flames. All they do is sparkle. They SPARKLE. How scary is that?

Oh, and one other thing. Isn’t Edward like, oh, I don’t know, about 108 years old? What is he doing messing with a teenage girl? Nobody has a problem with that? I can understand her making stupid decisions; she’s a teenager. But he’s over 100. And why is he in high school? I get that he looks like a teenager, and school keeps people from asking questions, but has anybody heard of home-school? It would sure be a lot safer than risking exposure every day by going to school. Of course, then there wouldn’t be a story, would there?

The Vampire Diaries

The gist: In the small town of Mystic Falls, VA (noticing a trend, here?), Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev), a beautiful high school student whose parents were recently killed in a car accident meets Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley), a charming vampire and the two, ahem, begin a relationship. A new twist here is that Stefan’s brother, Damon (Ian Somerhalder), shows up, and it is hinted that he, too, will begin some sort of relationship with Elena, creating a vampire love triangle.

My take: At first glance, The Vampire Diaries looks like the brainchild of a last-minute marketing meeting at the CW. As if they suddenly realized that vampires were selling, and they just had to get in on the action. Young female lead with issues? Check. Civil War-era vampire? Check. High school angst? Check. It’s like the O.C. with vampires. You can’t go wrong. All the execs at the CW will have to do is dive in and take a swim in their money.

If you take a closer look, you realize that you were right the first time, and that’s pretty much what it is. It’s the CW’s attempt to drain a little bit of life out this craze for themselves. Luckily for them, the show isn’t horrible. The book series that The Vampire Diaries is based on actually predates both the Twilight series and the Sookie Stackhouse series by quite a few years, and the production value on it is relatively high. I probably won’t be setting the TIVO for it anytime soon, but I can say that it could have been worse.

So there you have it. It wasn’t the plan, but I ended up watching all of these shows at night, and after 3 grueling nights, I’m starting to feel like a vampire, myself. I’m still not sure if I know what all the fuss is about, but at least I gave it a shot. And one of these shows may have even gained a fan.

Until next time,

Clay

Earth Hour : T-minus 33 minutes

Hello, all. It's been a while since you've heard from me, mostly because I've been kind of distracted, but also because, let's face it, I've been lazy. I know I promised last time that my next blog would be my Worst of list for 2008, and I still intend to write that (eventually...), but seeing that we are well into the largest demonstration of public concern regarding climate change in history, and only about a half hour away in my neck of the woods, it seems appropriate that I at least give it a mention.

For those of you who still don't know, Earth Hour is a global demonstration where your light switch is your vote. The World Wildlife Federation wants to see every light in the world go out for one hour today to bring awareness to the global climate problem and to our constant misuse of our natural resources, and so far, the demonstration has been a huge success.

The lights today are being turned off in Manhattan, in Beijing, and in Paris. The Eiffel Tower, the Great Pyramids of Giza, and Niagra Falls are all going dark. Even the United Nations Headquarters in New York City is taking part, shutting down at 8:30p.m. The support from the public, as well as governments around the world, has been amazing.

This is actually the 3rd year for Earth Hour, but this year is where it hits it's stride. The goal for the year is ONE BILLION people participating, and I hope that you are one of them. It is the first election of it's kind, one where your nationality is irrelevant, one where we all speak as one as citizens of the planet Earth. Our beloved planet is in danger, and it's up to us to bring it back safely from that danger. This movement is a great start.

So if you read this in time (in retrospect, I probably should have written this a week ago... oh well 20/20 and all), please, please, PLEASE turn out your lights at 8:30. If it's already passed where you are and you participated, thank you on behalf of the entire planet.

Most of you probably are reading this after the fact though, so as well as my thanks, I will also leave you with this: Earth Hour is a start, but it doesn't end here. In order to bring our planet back from the brink of peril, we must be diligent in preserving it. Continue the movement by supporting one of the many organizations that work everyday to help the environment. Here are a few URL's.

Sierra Club: www.sierraclub.org
Greenpeace: www.greenpeace.org/usa
World Wildlife Federation: www.worldwildlife.org
Ecological Conservation Organization: www.ecoconservation.org/6901.html
That should get you started. Oh crap, look at the time. 5 minutes left. Gotta get this computer off, and you should, too.

Until next time,

Clay

The Inaugural Gordie Awards

Happy New Year to everybody! I love this time of year. The weather isn't too cold yet (or at all some days), all of the stress and craziness of Christmas is over (don't get me wrong; I LOVE Christmas), and everything feels fresh and new. It's a time to start over, to leave bad habits behind, and to acquire new, better habits in their place.

It's also the time when different nations, organizations, publications, radio stations, and all sorts of other whatever-"ation"s arbitrarily bestow honor, dishonor, or in the case of the MTV Movie Awards, both at the same time. Well, I thought that with all the other "-ation"s doing it, why not Mation, too?

So I decided to bestow on these deserving groups and individuals the Inaugural "Gordie" Awards. These awards are named after me (my middle name is Gordon, in case you didn't know), and the selection process is at the sole discretion of me, so if I leave out a movie that you just LOVED and you have a thorn in your ass about it, then I either A. didn't see it, B. didn't like it, or C. it just didn't make the cut. I can't please everybody. So, without further ado, I present the Inaugural "Gordie" Awards.

Best Movie:

Winner: The Dark Knight. This was seriously one of the best movies I've ever seen. I loved every second of it. It was a comic book movie that went so much further, delving into the complex conundrum of good vs. evil, brilliantly played out by top notch performers against the gritty backdrop of Chicago. It doesn't get much better than this, folks. As a matter of fact, this is the ONLY movie I've ever blogged about, so if you want to know more about how I felt about that movie, it's just a few clicks away.

Runner up: Pineapple Express. Is it a stoner movie? Is it a comedy? Is it action? Yes. Seth Rogan was great as always and James Franco was hilarious and should REALLY stick to comedy, but Danny McBride as Red stole the show. AND it brought M.I.A. into the mainstream with Paper Planes, which is pretty awesome in itself.


Best Album:

Winner: Coldplay - Viva la Vida. What can I say? Coldplay continues to impress me with everything they put out. Everything. They say that they're not geniuses, and that they just write a whole bunch of stuff and the only thing you actually hear is the good part, but still. I bet if you listened to all that other stuff that they didn't use, it would be awesome, too.

Runner-up: Deathcab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs. I just really dug this album. If you can't tell, I was apparently into mellow sad-bastard music this year. Nonetheless, it was a really good album, possibly their best work, and "Cath..." is probably my favorite Deathcab song ever. If you've never listened to Deathcab, you should really check them out. They're a really awesome band and this album would be a good place to start.


Best Video Game:

Winner: Super Mario Galaxy. Okay, I know that techincally this game came out in December of 2007, but it was definitely my biggest electronic time-killer in this last year. I play through really good games twice, sometimes 3 times if they're really incredible, but if they even get a second play they have to be really good. I am currently going through SMG for the SIXTH time. And I've gotten everything every single time. It's probably the best Mario game ever, and it is hands-down the best game available for the Wii. If you have a Wii and you haven't played this game, go buy it. Wal-mart is open right now. This blog will be here when you get back. I'll wait for you. GO.

Runner-up: Grand Theft Auto IV. These games just keep getting cooler. I could go on about the go anywhere, do anything sandbox style of the game, but that's old news, and everything in this one is just as great as in the last few. But this time around, the story becomes much more important, as do your relationships with the various characters throughout Liberty City. I honestly think that is the crowning acheivement of GTAIV; that and the way this one was so fully realized, with TV shows, the internet, a cell phone... it just seemed so real, and oh so immersive.


Best TV Show (Drama):

Winner: House. Diagnosis: awesome. This show is one of the best on TV, and this year it has gotten nothing but better. I hope that one day I'm so good at whatever it is I'm doing that I can be a complete dick to people like House and get away with it. Plus, that show has done more for Vicodin sales than any free pen or legal pad ever could.

Runner-up: Heroes. I didn't get into Heroes until last summer, when I watched both of the first 2 seasons in about a week. Loved it. I don't even care that they steal gratuitously from pretty much every comic book ever made; it's still a ridiculously awesome show, and this season, with all of the new villians, was amazing.

Best TV Show (Comedy):

Winner: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Funniest. Show. Ever. It's been called "Seinfeld on crack," but that just doesn't do it justice. It started from humble beginnings, and the entire pilot was shot for less than $200, but it has gone on to become, well, like I said, the funniest show ever. Don't believe me? Then watch it. Then you'll agree. WILDCARD, BITCHES!!!

Runner-up: How I Met Your Mother. It's like Friends, only with people my age. And they hang out in a bar instead of a coffee shop. And it has Barney Stinson, quite possibly the most awesome character in the history of TV. The actor who plays him may be gay (Neil Patrick Harris), but Barney is a bright, shining example of not gay. Without him, it would be a really good show, but thanks to Barney, it is legen- wait for it -dary.

Hottest Hottie:

Winner: Megan Fox. Her last name says it all. She was smoking as the teenage hottie Prudence in Two and a Half Men, and then came Transformers. That's when I fell in love. Seriously, I didn't even realize that movie had giant robots until the third time through. Megan, if you're reading this, hit me up. That 90210 dude is a fag, anyway.

Runner-up: Kristen Bell. Like OMG, I totally loved her in Veronica Mars! Actually, I didn't even know what Veronica Mars was until I saw Kristen Bell in Heroes, and I still don't, but I know she was in it. I also know that she has been one of my favorite parts of Monday nights. Forgetting Sarah Marshall wasn't half bad, either.

Greatest Display of Athletic Badassery:

Winner: Michael Phelps. Obviously. Who else could it be? The dude seriously has to have flippers and gills or something. Is he a robot? The dude won 8 gold medals in this Olympics, has 16 Olympic medals overall (14 gold), and holds 7 world records in swimming. Plus he's an American, which makes it all the sweeter.

Runner-up: Usain Bolt. I really wanted to give this guy a tie with Phelps and mention the Dallas Cowboys' glorious final season at Texas Stadium, but, ahem, we all know how that turned out. But Bolt does deserve as much awe as Phelps. If Phelps is the fastest man in water, Bolt holds that honor on land, with 3 gold medals and 3 world records in the same Olympics, the first time that's ever happened.


Best Time-Killing Website:

Winner: www.HotChicksWithDouchebags.com. Feast your eyes on the likes of Fung, Gator, and Fish Slap: real live, orange bottle-tanned, spike-haired, star-tattooed douchebags who are inexplicably photographed with beautiful women. Douchebaggery runs rampant. You can't go wrong.

Runner-up: www.StuffWhitePeopleLike.com. Are you of a non-caucasian ethnicity and wonder what floats white people's boats? Are you white and just can't quite decide what it is you're supposed to like? Do you get bored from time to time and the only thing you have to entertain you is a computer? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then this website is for you. Chock full of things like Mos Def, St. Patrick's Day, sushi, and more, this site will make those hours seem like shorter hours. Check it out, and thank me later.


Okay, that's it for the "Gordies." I hope you enjoyed the list, and like I said, if you don't agree with my determinations, well, write your own list. And tell me about it, because I want to read it so I can not agree with you, too.

Until next time,

Clay

Yes We Can!

We, the people, of the United States of America have spoken; loudly, clearly, and in greater numbers than ever before. Not in 100 years has a larger percentage of the U.S. population turned out to make their voice heard, and while those voices may not have spoken in perfect unison, the theme was clear: The old ways are not working, and we need change.

Last night, we did not only witness it; we were an integral part of history. A nation that has in recent years come to be almost synonymous with arrogance, ignorance, and intolerance, due in large part to the attitudes of our current leader, George W. Bush, rose above the bigotry that sullies our history and elected Barack Obama, a black man, a man who less than 150 years ago wouldn't even be allowed to vote, to the exalted office of President of the United States.

And we did it convincingly. Obama took over half of the popular vote and an overwhelming majority of the Electoral College vote, and he reached the crucial 270 mark before 10 p.m. (C.S.T.) When he stood behind the podium to deliver his acceptance speech, he did so with confidence tempered with humility, and no longer the unlikely candidate, Obama looked presidential.

Now I know some of you reading this didn't vote for Obama. Many fear that we have made a mistake. But the fact remains that we still live in a democracy, and the majority has spoken. If you feel that it is necessary, you can play the role of doomsayer, andyou can mourn the loss of America. That is your right under the Constitution. But it seems premature to prophesy catastrophe when the man has yet to even take the oath of office. It seems far better to me for everyone to simply wait and see. You may be pleasantly surprised.

As I write this, I feel it necessary to state that I do not dislike John McCain. I have long maintained that he is among the best that Washington has to offer, and he has given more for this country than most of us can ever imagine. For that, he deserves our respect, our gratitude, and our admiration. He has served with honor both as a military man and as a Senator, and will continue to play a major role in our political landscape. While I do not feel that he was the right choice for the Presidency, I do sincerely hope that he may serve in a bi-partisan advisory capacity in the Obama administration.

Speaking of the Obama administration, the election is over, but the true challenge has yet to begin. The President-Elect has already begun to address the economy, but he faces great challenges in the near future. He will inherit a crippled economy, a torn populace, two wars, and a host of other problems, both foreseen and unforeseen. He will be under close scrutiny due to the color of his skin, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. He has many naysayers and many more supporters who believe in him completely. It is up to him to prove the dissenters wrong and the belivers right. He has enormous potential to be one of the most influential presidents of our time. I hope that he can live up to that potential. An while I personally believe that he is more than up to the task, only time will tell.

Either way, Barack Obama WILL be our next president. The election is over, the votes have been counted, and the people have spoken. It is now up to us as citizens of the greatest country in the world to drop the partisan bickering and unite behind a new leader. We should remain ever vigilant and always question our leaders, but we should stand together as a nation of patriots no matter who is in the White House. Democracy and freedom may set us apart, but it is our people who make us great.

Until next time,

Clay

Control

As the summer fades into autumn, and the leaves begin to change on the trees, I stand at the threshold of great change in my own life. Because over the summer, I've learned some things and made some decisions that have enabled me to regain control of my life.

After Bryony died, I kind of lost it, and I retreated into myself, so much so that I forgot the universe and my place in it. I spiraled into a deep depression. Sure, I forged on; I got a new job, a new place, got back in college... but all of that was empty, because I was looking to that for fulfillment, something that I could only get from myself. For all the illusion of structure I had built around myself, my life was spinning out of control, and this summer, I decided to wrest back a measure of that control; I realized that I'm not helpless to the whims of the universe, I became captain of my own ship, and it all started with stopping biting my nails.

Sounds, crazy, I know, but that habit was a constant companion from childhood. It was something I was always self-consious about, and I made the decision to stop. It was a way that I could prove to myself that I had the strength to break a bad habit without upsetting the delicate balance of my life.

And it worked. I stopped, and I felt disproportionately better about myself. I had kicked that old habit, so I decided to move on to something bigger: to stop smoking cigarettes. I had quit before, for seven months, but in my depression, I picked them up again. It started innocently enough, as such things often do. I would be out drinking, which at that time I was doing a lot, and I would have a cigarette. Before I knew it, I was once again enslaved by my addiction to something that I knew was killing me.

So this summer, I made the decision to quit, and I have now been officially smoke-free for over 2 months. It's been hard at times, but It's one of the best things I've ever done, not only for myself, but for those around me.

A lot of people have asked me why I decided to shave my head, and my answer is always the same (to the point that those closest to me are probably tired of hearing it): If I'm going to go bald, I'm doing it on my own terms. And that's the truth. It's all a part of the bigger direction that my life is taking. I've also made the decision to live a greener, more eco-friendly life, to make more of an effort to connect on a real level with all the people in my life, and to generally just be happier with my situation.

A part of this control is acceptance of those things that are out of my hands. In order to truly gain peace with myself and this direction I've taken, I've also had to learn to accept my situation as it is. I've learned that even though some things are lost, they're not gone, because the good memories remain. I've learned that the capacity for feeling that I thought was gone was only hidden, and that I do still have a lot of love to give. I've learned that no matter what happens, I know I can take it, because I have the inner strength to persevere. And most importantly, I think, I've learned to cherish the present moment. Because after all, that's all we really have.

Until next time,

Clay

Holy Awesome Movie, Batman!

Ok, so I just watched The Dark Knight. Again. And after a second viewing, I feel I'm past the hype and the excitement of a new Batman movie and can give an unbiased opinion of the new film.

And I have to say, it's amazing. Let's start from the beginning. Once upon a time (back in 1989), Tim Burton, Michael Keaton, and Jack Nicholson got together and made a little movie called Batman. And it was wonderful. People were lined up for weeks to see the Caped Crusader battle the evil Joker in a charming, stylized world of darkness that could only emerge from the whimsical mind of Tim Burton. The toys, the Batmobile, the mythology; nobody could get enough. It was, after all, the first comic book movie that was done right, with the possible exception of the first two Superman movies.

Except Batman was different. Superman was an alien; a person from a different world with amazing powers. He could fly, shoot laser beams out of his eyes, and bounce bullets off his chest. Batman, on the other hand, didn't have that luxury. Batman was a human, like us, with no special abilities whatsoever, except perhaps the extraordinary discipline required to become, well, Batman. He represented an ideal to which we all should strive, always choosing the right path, always fighting for the side of good. We could all relate, because there was a little Batman inside all of us. Batman was a great movie, and was exactly what we needed in a superhero movie at that time.

Burton followed up on Batman with a worthy sequel, Batman Returns, and then the series went downhill in the less than capable hands of Joel Schumacher. The movies became a joke, much like the 1960's TV series and movie. It had degraded to mere camp, completely losing sight of the poingnancy of the Dark Knight, and the future for Batman looked darker than ever.

Enter Christopher Nolan. In 2005, Nolan brought forth a new vision for the Caped Crusader. In this vision, none of the other movies had even happened. Not even Burton's. In Nolan's movie, Batman Begins, the franchise got a reboot. The talented Christian Bale was tapped to play Batman, who would be pitted against the little known Ra's Al Ghul, and on a deeper level, himself. And it was a rousing success. The story of Batman's roots, free from the camp and cheesiness of recent memory, struck the same chords that Burton, Keaton, and Nicholson had way back in 1989, only in a darker, more realistic fashion. The Batman franchise was resurrected.

And now, with the recent release of The Dark Knight, the reboot has hit its stride. Since the end of Batman Begins, when Gordon handed batman the calling card of a new villian in Gotham, a joker card, the world has eagerly awaited the day when Batman would once again battle his nemesis and arch-enemy, the Joker. That day has arrived, and it is everything that we had hoped for and so much more.

A lot of that has more to do with the villian than the hero. The late Heath Ledger's final performance as the Joker was the performance of his life. It was a role that the competent Jack Nicholson had made his own, but Nicholson's performance had never sat quite right with me. The Joker that I knew was much crazier than the suave Nicholson. He was a wild card, dangerous because of his unpredictability. He was the anathema to Batman's strictly disciplined ideal. In the hands of Ledger, that Joker was finally brought to life. When you see him "make a pencil disappear," you'll understand. This ain't our parents' bad guy.

The story wasn't half bad either. The inclusion of Harvey Dent/Two-face, played by Aaron Eckhart and the way the story played out around the fates of the three main chacters and their own individual struggles was masterful. The battle between good and evil that goes on in each of us is played out before our eyes. Not to mention the parallels with our own society, which I can't go into without giving too much away.

I only have one gripe about it. Maggie Gyllenhall. I mean, she's a good actress, sure. Maybe even better on paper than Katie Holmes (from Batman Begins). But I just really couldn't get behind her as Rachel Dawes. Her performance was stiff and I never felt a connection between her and Bruce Wayne or Harvey Dent. Plus, let's face it, she looks like a foot. I'm just saying.

Anyway, go see the movie. I don't care if your favorite movie is Rambo or The Notebook, The Dark Knight won't disappoint. After all, what doesn't kill us only makes us stranger.

Until next time,

Clay

The Fox News Debacle: Some Clarification

Wow! I've gotten some varied responses to my last blog. Thanks for your input, guys. I love it. I've tried to answer each one individually, but I wrote this in answer to Kacie, and I think it will help put my views into perspective. So, without further ado...

There is no oath for journalists, just responsibility. People definitely have the right to free speech. Some shows, such as Bill O'Reilly's (btw, I hate that prick), are opinion shows. It is his job to voice his opinion. Do I agree with his opinion? No, not usually, but I support his right to speak it.

With the news, it's different. When reporting the news, there is a responsibility to present an unbiased, factual account of what is going on. It isn't supposed to be about ratings, nor is it intended to be a soapbox from which to push a political agenda. To do so would make it nothing more than sensationalism. The news would be reduced to a tabloid.

This is why there is a distinction in the Bill of Rights between freedom of speech and freedom of the press. This is why a journalist who reports something faulty is open to a libel suit. It is not necessarily a set of rules that they must live by, nor an oath, but a duty to the people whom they serve. If a local newspaper prints something that is erroneous, they would immediately print a retraction. Because if an organization that professes to report fact is found to publish fiction, no one would trust them anymore. The same duty falls to the broadcast journalists, as well.

I do take things with a grain of salt, but I'm not in Iraq or North Korea or Washington, D.C., so if I am to know what is going on in these places, I am forced to rely on the news. And unfortunately, the best place to get that information in a responsibly unbiased fashion, is from the BBC or the internet.

Politically, I don't find myself in line with either of the two major parties. My views are financially conservative, yet socially very liberal. I guess if I had to pick a party, it would be the Libertarian party, and of the entire field of politicians with which we started, I think that Ron Paul would have been best for our country.

Unfortunately, our two-party system only allows for two viable candidates. We need a change in the status quo, otherwise we are witnessing the beginning of the decline of everything we have built. I respect John McCain, but he is not the man to bring about that change. Hillary Clinton would have been a nightmare and would have taken us down a path of Socialism from which it would have been difficult to return. So out of the three people we have to choose from, I feel Obama is logical choice. I honestly feel that his lack of experience in Washington is his greatest asset, because he is hopefully free from the taint of corruption that plagues our government at present. Maybe under his administration, we can bring about true, positive change, and create a better world for future generations.

My beef with Fox News isn't about my support of Obama's candidacy, however. It is about their disregard for their responsibility to present an unbiased viewpoint. There is no room for racism in an enlightened society, especially in the news. Sure, all of the news networks promote their own views. They're people, they ARE going for ratings, and like it or not, everything is going to have a slant. History is written by the winners, and the news is written by people with their own agendas. But the shady, racist techniques which Fox has begun to employ are crossing the line.

Until next time,

Clay

Btw, thanks for reading. I love you guys! :)

Fox News = The Devil?

The press is supposed to be the fourth branch of government, there to protect the citizens from corruption in their elected officials by acting as the watchdogs of the government. Fox News has consistently done just the opposite by pandering to the very corruption that they are supposed to help prevent.

It's a sad day indeed when I feel I can get better, more unbiased news from the BBC or Comedy Central than I can from a major American news network.

The really sad part is that so many Americans still watch this channel. My own parents, self-described liberals who I have never known to vote Republican, watch Fox News under the mistaken impression that it is actually news. At least Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert make no pretenses that they are actually reporting the real news. Sure, they can seem biased, but they are on a Comedy network. It's their job. The job of the "good" people over at Fox News, however, is to report unbiased, fact-based news, giving equal airing to both sides of any issue. It is their responsibility to leave personal opinions out of the equation, to work outside the bounds of prejudice, and to give the people an accurate depiction of what is going on in the world. A news network should not employ spin doctors, and should not bow down to the whims of our leaders.

And now they've gone too far. By using yellow journalism and shady tactics, they are attempting to actually influence the outcome of a major election. This is unacceptable. I sincerely wish that Fox News would answer this call to action in a positive way. I hold out little hope, though. In which case, it is time they be brought to task on this serious grievance against the American people, be they black or white, male or female, Christian, Muslim,or Jew. Because this goes beyond race. It goes straight to the heart of that for which America, my America, stands.

Below is a detailed account from ColorOfChange.org of Fox News's latest underhanded smear campaign. Please take the time to read it, and if you agree, to add your name to the letter and to inform anyone who cares about preserving the things that make this country so great.

Dear Friends,

Right now, Fox News is trying to paint Barack Obama as foreign, un-American, suspicious, and scary. They're trying to send Americans the message that our country's first viable Black candidate for President is not "one of us."

I've joined on to ColorOfChange.org's campaign to push back on Fox, publicly demanding they stop their race-baiting and fear mongering. If that doesn't work, then we'll go to their advertisers and the FCC. I wanted to invite you to sign on as well. It takes only a moment:

http://www.colorofchange.org/foxobama/?id=1579-599037

Here's what happened recently:

After Senator Obama won the nomination, he and his wife gave each other a "pound" in front of the cameras. Fox anchor E.D. Hill called the act of celebration a "terrorist fist jab." Then last week, a Fox News on-screen graphic referred to Michelle Obama as "Obama's baby mama"--slang used to describe the unmarried mother of a man's child. It was a clear attempt to associate the Obamas with negative cultural stereotypes about Black people, an insult not only to Michelle Obama but to women and Black people everywhere.

After each of the incidents mentioned, Fox issued some form of weak apology. But what does it mean when you slap someone in the face, apologize the next day, then slap them again on the third? It means the apology is meaningless.

These aren't one-time incidents--they're part of a pattern that continues no matter how often Fox is forced to apologize. Fox has a clear record of attacking and undermining Black institutions, Black leaders, and Black people in general.

If we don't push back now, we will see more of the same from now until November. Please join me in helping to bring an end to Fox's behavior.

http://www.colorofchange.org/foxobama/?id=1579-599037

Thanks.

Until next time,

Clay

Why Is Hollywood Giving Us the Shaft?

Is it just me, or have they been showing A LOT more cock in movies lately? When did that become ok? Is that funny? Back in the day, if you saw a wang in a movie, you were either watching a kung fu movie or you were watching porn. Or sometimes both, but that's a different story...

Now I'm all for the boob shot, the soft core sex scenes, whatever, but in the last 10 years, the dong has become MUCH more visible in movies, most notably in comedies. The female body is a beautiful thing, but let's face it, the dick is not what anybody wants to see. Yet for some reason, the damn things keep popping up.

To the best of my knowledge, the madness started with the Farelly brothers' opus, There's Something about Mary, in the scene in which Ben Stiller got his junk caught in his zipper. That shit was just gruesome.

But that, I could take. Yeah, it looked hella painful, (that's right, I said hella. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?) but at least it served a purpose. This stuff here lately, though, is just downright nasty. Take Borat, for example. One of the greatest comedies of our time, tainted by numerous depictions of Little Borat, culminating in the now infamous Khazakstani Naked Fight. It's hard to laugh when you just puked in your mouth.

Then there's the modern Happy Madison/Judd Apatow fare. These guys show more cock than a farmer at a chicken contest. Although I have to admit, the fat kid's "problem" in Superbad was fucking HILARIOUS. Just last night, though, I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis in the same movie, and the only real nudity was the dude from How I Met Your Mother's....you guessed it, his shlong. Fucking twice. I'll never look at Monday nights the same way again.

I suppose it was inevitable, though. People's inhibitions have lowered tremendously over the years. Gone with the Wind's famous scene in which Rhett said "damn" was the focus of much scandal, and Midnight Cowboy, the first X rated movie to win an Oscar, would maybe garner a PG-13 these days. It was only a matter of time before the penis made it's comedic debut. Come to think of it, I guess they are kind of funny looking...

Until next time,

Clay

Gutless on the Gridiron

I learned something this weekend. Everybody that knows me knows that I'm a football fan. I love it. Every year, Sunday after Sunday (and Saturday, Monday, and every now and then Thursday), I sit in front of the TV watching not only my Dallas Cowboys, but pretty much every game that I can catch. The team dynamic, the history, the greatness of the athletes that have worked their whole lives to reach the top of their game, every aspect reaches me on a visceral, emotional level.

I have played sports, watched sports, and loved sports my whole life. The great athletes of the past have been my idols and my heroes. I have learned many lessons from them, not the least of which is the value of sportsmanship. I was always told that it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. I also know that you can tell a lot about a man's character, and a team's character, by how they win or lose. And what I saw last night showed me both sides.

Take the Giants. I fucking hate the Giants. As a born and bred, blue and silver bleeding Cowboys fan, there is nothing at all in my heart for the New York Football Giants. Yeah, I respect that they are good players, I acknowledge their ability, but as a team, I just can't make myself like them, even when the Cowboys are eliminated. That said, I'm glad that the Giants won, even though I wasn't for them. Because they played like champions, and more importantly, because they WON like champions.

On the flip side, there's the New England Patriots. Arguably one of the best teams ever to play the game, Tom Brady and Co. went into this contest as 14 point favorites. After their stellar season, it was almost a forgone conclusion that they would take their place as the second perfect team in NFL history with their 4th Super Bowl victory in 6 years...except they didn't. They didn't count on the Giants showing up to play, apparently. And when the Giants didn't lay down, when they fought and clawed and pummeled their way to victory, the Pats showed their true colors. Not red, white, and blue, but yellow and, well, yellow. Bill Belichick, who I have long celebrated as one of the greatest coaches in the game, in a gutless move, left the field of play before the last ball was snapped. I don't care who you are, that's pussy shit. When you lose, even if it means you don't get to make that history that you so desperately desire, you stay your ass out there and take your beating like a man. Even worse, today Belichick, Brady, and Randy Moss all declined their spots in the Pro Bowl. I am sadly disappointed, not in their loss, but in how they have handled it. It is an embarassment to New England, the league, and the game as a whole.

In case you haven't already figured it out, I learned that those who I hate the most can earn my respect, and those who had earned my respect can prove themselves unworthy. I learned that I will never cheer for the Patriots again, and I learned that next year, the Cowboys will have to bring their A game to stand with the defending champions in the NFC East. As much as I hate to say it, the best team prevailed yesterday. I salute them, not only for their performance on the field of battle, but also for their integrity, their graciousness, and their strength of character. But they best look out, because they have a target on their backs now, and Dallas is aiming right for it.

Until next season,

Clay

Super Mario 69... or Lack Thereof

Why does Mario continually go on these crazy journeys through the drug induced world of the Mushroom Kingdom? I mean seriously. This crazy Italian plumber has been going through sewer pipes for over 25 years, risking life and mustache to save a princess that, to the best of my extensive knowledge, has never given it up. Not to mention that he does all this in a state of inebriation that could get somebody killed in the most mundane of situations, what with all the mushrooms and flowers he's been eating. Yet, year after year, level after level, Mario fastiduously chases after that elusive princess poon, only to be shot down, again, and again, and again...

Why is that, Mario? What satisfaction do you get? I guess it's fun to jump around like you do, flying, throwing fireballs, and all that, but you gotta stop and think, man. You've been eating mushrooms all day. Are you sure that you're really doing all that stuff? For all I know, you're really just laying on the couch in your own little world. But if you are, then who is this Princess? And what is the deal with all of the fucking turtles? Did you have a bad experience at the New Jersey Petting Zoo when you were a bambino? Or is Bowser just the dude that the Princess is banging while you're out collecting stars and coins with your semi-retarded brother Luigi? Seriously, dude, you gotta move on. I hear Lara Croft is single...

Until next time,

Clay

Gobble, Gobble, Bitches!

Hooray! It's turkey time! There's nothing quite like eating a drumstick with all the fixin's, watching the Cowboys, and then taking a nice, long afternoon nap. Then there's the leftovers. I have a small family, so there are always a lot of leftovers. I could eat turkey sandwiches for days...mmm, I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. Man, I can hardly wait.

But when you get down to it, all of that is just secondary. With Thanksgiving just a day away, I've been thinking of what I'm thankful for, and honestly, I can think of a lot. The last couple of years have been particularly hard on me, and in that time, I've found out who my real friends are and I've discovered the true importance of family. And that is what I'm most thankful for when it comes right down to it. My friends and family. Those who have been there for me when I needed it most, who weren't afraid to let me know when I was going off the deep end. I'm thankful for my mom and dad, my sister and neices, just for being there as a constant reassurance that no matter what, I'm loved. I'm thankful for my other family, too. Sherri, Tory, Daniel, Brenna, Lexi, and all the rest, thank you for making me a part of your family. You guys know how much I loved Bryony, and even though she and I didn't always see eye to eye, you never made me feel like an outsider. I love you as if you were my own blood.

I'm also thankful for my friends. We've all had a lot of fun through the years, and quite a few of you have helped me get through some really tough times. Thank you all for being there for me, for having the patience to deal with me, even though sometimes I may not have deserved it. That's what real friends do. They are there for you when you need them, no matter what. I love you all.

At the bottom of my list, I'm thankful for those material comforts that make life easier. I have a great new job, an apartment that I love, a decent car, and pretty much anything I want to be comfortable. I'm by no means rich, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm secure. There's a lot to be said for that.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. When it comes down to it, what else is there? I guess I'm glad I have my health, but if I don't quit smoking soon, I'm not sure how long that will last. Oh yeah, and I'm also thankful that the Cowboys are going into this Thanksgiving game with a 9-1 record. They haven't started this strong in a long, long time. All those years of being a die hard fan, through the quarterback and kicker woes, I'm finally getting to see my team the way I remember them from my formative years. Other than that, I can't think of anything else.

Thank you all for being a part of my life. I'm a lucky guy to have so much to be thankful for, and I hope you all have as much as I do. Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy the turkey!

Until next time,

Clay

Hot For Teacher

I read a story in the paper today about a teacher in Arizona who was recently fired due to controversy over YouTube video of her performing a cheerleading routine for her class and over a book she assigned her class to read. This saddens me, because the teacher in question was guilty of nothing more than trying to make her class more interesting and interactive for her students.

The video in question depicted the teacher, who was also the cheerleading instructor, performing a cheerleading routine for her class during the school's spirit week. She was fully clothed and said nothing inappropriate, yet the video and the controversy surrounding it has made it as far as the major network news. Granted, her hip motions could be seen as suggestive, but cheerleaders at schools do much worse while wearing much less. Which raises a question: where do you draw the line? Students love pep rallies; they are the highlight of the school week where I come from. During these pep rallies, even in junior high, female students in skimpy outfits perform cheers and suggestive dances to the pounding beats and sex fueled lyrics of artists such as Brittney Spears and Justin Timberlake. Yet when a teacher does something similar yet not nearly as extreme in an effort to relate to her students in a fashion that has been the norm in education for decades, (i.e. cheerleading, which is recognized as a legitimate sport now, btw) she is punished and reprimanded.


The question of the book seems even more ridiculous. It is called Jake Reinvented, by Gordon Korman, and has been described as The Great Gatsby for teens. The book tells the tale of a popular high school student who is exposed as a fraud, and was assigned to the teacher's freshman English class. One of the student's fathers, however, deemed the book inappropriate for his 14 year old daughter, which was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back. My question is this: does this father expect his daughter to go to college? Because if she does, she will be reading far more dubious material than Jake Reinvented. She is in high school. The job of a high school teacher is to prepare his or her students for college, if I'm not mistaken. How can our teachers do that, though, if the books that they assign to broaden the perspective of their students become grounds for termination? I thought we had already been through this with The Catcher in the Rye, The Outsiders, and Huck Finn. We have to accept valid literature for what it is. I haven't read Jake Reinvented, but if the comparisons that it has received to The Great Gatsby are any indication, it deserves to be read.

Teachers are already underpaid, under-appreciated, and overworked in our society. It's a wonder that anyone still wants to do it. It seems that their hands are becoming more tied everyday, leaving them unable to perform that crucial task that is the main point of their jobs: preparing their students for college. And while the cheerleading thing could have been avoided, and really doesn't contribute to the student's education, the relevance of spirit week and the concept of school spirit cannot be overlooked.

One more question before I go...cell phones aren't allowed in school, right? What happened to the kid who posted the video on YouTube to begin with? I'm pretty sure he was in the wrong, too. Did his punishment fit his crime? Just something to think about.

Until next time,

Clay

An Open Letter to Bryony Ryan

Dear Bryony,

It's been two whole years now since the world had to let you go, yet in many ways it feels like yesterday. A lot of things have changed since you left. They made a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie (I know how much you loved those,) I have a new job and am in school, and Lexi has gotten so big it's unbelievable. But through all the changes, not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. No matter how hard I try to move on with my life, the fact remains that you were a huge part of that life. You're in about 80% of my stories, and no matter where I go from here, I will always hold a special place for you in my heart. You introduced me to true love, and that is something special. And even though our marraige didn't work out, I still feel that our relationship was meant to be. For the last two years, I feel that I have been climbing, inch by inch, out of a deep hole, just hoping to eventually see light. I have finally emerged from that hole, now, but the memory of the darkness remains, and always will.

Today, on the anniversary of the day that you left, I realized that no matter how far I've come, there are still tears left. For so long I had almost forgotten how to feel, and I realized today as I listened to Rain King by the Counting Crows that I hadn't forgotten, not really. I have just been afraid to. You were my life, whether you realized it or not, and I have had to create a new one, one with an empty place where you should be. I am happy now, finally, and I feel like I am ready to move on. But regardless of where this journey takes me, in a way, you will always be there. Just knowing you made me a better person, and the things I learned from you will stay with me always.

Thank you, Bryony, for being a part of my life. Despite the issues we had, despite the angry words that we hurled at each other like so many sharpened stones, and despite losing you so early in the journey that we call life, I cherish every moment that I got to spend seeing your face, hearing your voice, and feeling your touch on my skin. I miss you, and I always will. We have now taken seperate paths, yet it feels like you are always there, standing behind me, supporting me, comforting me when I am sad, just like you used to do once upon a time. I don't know what waits after this life, but I hope that you have found peace, and I hope that you can know my feelings for you. I always loved you, and still do, and no matter what happens, that will remain so.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life, as well. Like a flame that burns bright but is snuffed out all too soon, you illuminated all those that you came into contact with. I know that I'm not the only person thinking about you today. Your light and warmth will be fondly remembered by everyone you touched, and your legacy lives on through your beautiful daughter, who I love as if she was my own. You definitely left your mark on the world, and the world is a better place for it.

With love,

Clay

in loving memory of Bryony Aislinn Ryan, 6/13/80 - 10/17/05

O.J.? Again?

Here we go again. I know he's taken a lot of shots to the dome, but come on. I don't want to see O.J. on the news again. I used to like that guy. I'm not old enough to have watched him actually play football, but I know the numbers, and I've seen ESPN Classic. Plus, I always really liked the Naked Gun movies. Then, he killed his wife, some other dude, and his career in one fell swoop. Not just his future prospects; he even killed the memory of what he had done before. And I don't give a fuck what the jury said, you know he did it.

After that, I thought he would just fade into obscurity. Hell, John freaking Madden doesn't even talk about him, and he'll talk about anything, even if it doesn't make sense. But now, hot on the heels of the release of his book by the Goldman (as in that dude he killed) family, which is fucked up all by itself, O.J. goes and gets himself arrested for...

a. armed robbery...
b. breaking and entering, the old b&e...
c. and fucking kidnapping. Plus a whole list of other shit.

I mean, really, O.J.? Has it gotten that bad? It's not even like he got anything that valuable. He stole freaking O.J. memorabilia. He could have waited a couple of weeks and gotten that shit on ebay for a quarter. And the worst part is, the main thing he was after was the suit that he wore when he made a mockery of the legal system. His fucking acquittal suit. It's not like wearing it will make him look innocent. I guess he considered it lucky.

Wasn't so lucky, though, since he got caught trying to steal it back. Well, he says it was his, so he wasn't really stealing, which is why he needed guns and three other dudes. Like O.J. alone isn't scary enough.

Something tells me he's not gonna get away with this one. He's gonna do time, and there's not a damn thing he can do about it. It's not like he's worked in the last few years... I doubt he could get a job at McDonald's. No sympathetic football fans who can't believe a bad thing about their hero, no easily convinced jurors blinded by his fame, and no hotshot lawyers who could have gotten freakin' Hitler acquitted. Nope, this time it's O.J. vs. the man, and the man has just been dying to knock this particular bastard down and keep him there.

Ah, the irony. Getting away with murder just to get put away for stealing his own fucking shit. What a jackass. But the real irony will come later, when he gets shanked by his prison bitch. Take that, Juice.

Until next time,

Clay

Apply Directly to the Forehead

Advertising these days is really starting to piss me off. You've all seen this crap that they are forcing us to watch.

"Head-on, apply directly to the forehead. Head-on, apply directly to the forehead. Head-on, apply directly to the forehead."

I absolutely, to the bottom of my soul, hate that shit. Do the good people at Head-on really think that people are stupid enough that they don't even have to try anymore? Do they think that simply repeating themselves over and over is the best way to sell their product? Hell, I have had the worst headaches in the world since I was six, but I flat out refuse to even consider a product that treats me like an idiot. Especially when the commercial itself gives me the headache.

And now other businesses are copying this ridiculous campaign. Mo Money, I'm talking to you. If you know that people hate your fucking commercial, then why do you continually subject us to it? I promise you one thing. If I ever need to borrow money at a 90 percent interest rate, I will do everything in my power to get it from somewhere else. At least the Mafia won't annoy me to death.

But that's not all. Even the advertising gurus over at Geico are getting stupid. They are even giving their cavemen their own show. What the hell is that? I give it 3 weeks. And if they spend 30 minutes trying to sell me insurance rather than entertain me, even less. Spuds Mackenzie never had his own show, but if he had, it would have rocked more than any caveman show ever will.

As a matter of fact, the only times that I can recall advertising characters making the leap to another form of media was when the 7-up Spot and the Domino's Pizza Noid got their own video games. Remember how that turned out? Of course you don't. You didn't play them because they sucked harder than a gas powered vaccuum cleaner. It was a horrible idea then, and it's a horrible idea now.

I'm really not sure why I feel so strongly about this, but I do. In the age of the Taco Bell chiuahua and the Jack's Links sasquatch, these assholes that think we are all morons need to up the bar. We all have to watch this crap, whether we want to or not. Why subject us to commercials you know we hate? And the last time I watched a whole show advertising something it was four o'clock in the morning and it was a fucking infomercial. And it sucked.

I'd be happy if Peyton Manning was in every commercial, but since he can't be, at least try harder. We're not a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out here. Treat us with a little respect. And for the love of god, don't turn your commercials into shows. We get enough product placement as it is.

We even get it at the movies. It's not enough that we pay seven dollars just to get in the damn place, then another thirty-seven for a coke and some popcorn. No we have to be subjected to commercials there, too. What's next? A giant ad for Pepsi on the moon? God, I hope not. If that happens, I may have to take a gun and apply that directly to the forehead. I'm just not sure whose...

Until next time,

Clay

9/11... Never Forget

Six years. That's how long it's been, as of today, since the horrible tragedy that shook not only our nation, but the very foundations of the world around us. On that fateful day in 2001, we watched in horror as hundreds of lives were snuffed out, never again to enjoy the freedom that makes our country the shining bastion of hope that it has become. On that day six years ago, we experienced tragedy like we had never known, fear that we had never dreamed was possible, and despair which in our 200 year history has never been rivaled.

But we experienced something else that day, too. Amidst the chaos and the terror that followed in the wake of those terrible attacks, we as Americans pulled together like never before. Suddenly, if only for a short moment in the grand scheme of things, we experienced true unity. There was no black, there was no white; there was no young, there was no old; there was no rich, and there was no poor. On that day in 2001, we dropped our petty bullshit and became Americans. A nation of patriots arose from the rubble.

But where are we now? We remember the lives lost that day; we respect and honor those who gave their lives to help others. The events of September 11 will never be forgotten. Today we honor these people and their families, but where is the unity? If the 9/11 attacks taught us anything, it is that underneath it all, we are all Americans. That is what we seem to have forgotten. Six years of peace have made us lax. Six years of a terrorist threat level that never falls below orange (thanks for that, Fox News) have made us feel invincible again. Six years of security have brought all of the old prejudices and animosities to the surface again. And after six years, it seems that the only thing that unites us these days is an almost universal disdain for our "president" and his "policies."

So, in the intervening time, what have we accomplished? We have "liberated" Iraq, while at the same time helping to consolidate the power of Iran. We are no closer to finding Osama bin Laden than we were six years ago, Saudi Arabia is still considered a friend, (15 of the 19 9/11 highjackers were Saudis, in case you forgot) and gas prices have more than doubled. I don't know about you, but when I get excited because gas is less than three dollars a gallon, it is a hollow feeling indeed.

Meanwhile, our country is falling apart. Our economy is in the crapper, our education and healthcare systems are falling behind, and due partly to these issues, our crime rate is at an all time high.

I don't mean to sound unpatriotic. I love America. I love our freedom to speak our mind, to defend ourselves, and to worship (or not) as we see fit. But with these freedoms comes responsibility. Saint Francis of Assisi once said, "Speak the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words." Regardless of your beliefs, or lack thereof, this sentiment, and the meaning behind it, is universal. In order to truly bring light to the world, we must lead by example, not by force. We must once again band together as Americans, not in the face of tragedy, but out of sheer love for our country and respect for our fellow man. That is what this country was built on. That is what thousands have fought and died for, and all of this internal strife dishonors the memories of those brave men and women.

It is time to put aside our differences and recognize that we are all American. Just a few random acts of kindness can change the world. In these strange times, these times of great change, we should lay to rest our prejudices and throw our lots in together. If we don't, we face far greater hardships ahead.

Until next time,

Clay

Ten F$@king Years

That's right. Ten years since I graduated high school (a little more, really, but the reunion is coming up, so it's close enough.) Honestly, I don't give a crap about the reunion, and I have other things going on, so I can't go anyway, but still, it got me thinking. Am I where I saw myself being way back in 1997? Have things worked out according to plan?

The answer to these questions is a resounding NO, but I don't necessarily view that as a bad thing. Sure, I haven't finished college yet, and my first marriage didn't work out, and I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life, but I think that in spite of all these things, or maybe because of them, I have become a stronger, wiser, and more well-rounded person. I now have real life experiences that have taught me things I could never have learned in the classroom, and some of the friendships that I have forged will last a lifetime.

The real question that I ask myself when I look back over the last ten years is this: Am I happy?

And I think that yeah, I really am. I have had some really unhappy times that seemed to tear away a little part of my soul, and I will never be content, but as long as I am pursuing my dreams and making progress, I will continue to be happy.
I have no regets. Each moment in my life, both the good and the bad, has served to make me the person I am today.

Things may not have worked out as planned, but what does? Are any of us doing exactly what we planned on 10 years ago? Life is a journey, and like any adventure worth taking, it can land us in some truly unfamiliar territory. But that is what it is truly all about. The best moments in life are usually unplanned, and true happiness turns up where you least expect it.

Safe journey until next time,

Clay

I Wish I Had a Monkey...

That would be the coolest pet ever. I would name him Spank, and I would teach him to roll a joint. Then I could come home and say "Hey, Spank, twist me a fattie," and he would get right on it. How cool would that be?

Of course, monkey see, monkey do, so before long I would have a stoner monkey on my hands. I'd have to lock up my stash when I left, otherwise I'd come home to find my house in shambles; empty sack, banana peels hanging from the ceiling fan, video games turned inside out, and of course, in the midst of it all, a very happy monkey sprawled out in marijuana induced tranquility on my couch.

And I know what some of you are thinking right now. You're thinking: But Clay, don't you know that monkeys fling their dookie?

And yes, I realize that, but I have a solution. I would give the monkey his own room...one with a drain in the floor so I could just hose the whole thing down. And I'd hook it up, too. Kiddie pool in the corner, a McDonalds-esque jungle gym for him to play in, a picture window so he could see outside. That way, when he was in a shit-tossing mood, I could put him in his own room until he was calmed down. Then when he was mellow, (perhaps I could give him his own bong. Plastic, of course) I could bring him back out to join in the fun.

That would be the coolest. Everyone would know about the monkey. I could start charging the neighborhood kids to see the monkey, maybe with a peep show type device on the picture window. He'd be a big hit at birthday parties, until he started throwing poop. That would ruin a birthday, I think. Monkey turds in the ice cream. I'd probably have to add a dookie clause to the contract to protect myself and Spank from any lawsuits and what not. I could even move to Hollywood and put him in movies. Everybody loves monkeys, and they need them there all the time. Hell, he could probably support his own pot habit.

But, alas, as for now that is just a happy dream. Maybe one day I will have my monkey, though, and that's good enough for me.

Until next time,

Clay

Road Rage

Why the hell can't people drive anymore? This is getting ridiculous! Texarkana is not a big city; it's barely a big town...yet it takes me thirty minutes to get anywhere. It's not that I have much ground to cover, or that traffic is just that thick. It's just that no matter where I go, I come face to face with an army of no-driving ass clowns. I swear to God that these morons were just put here to piss me off. I don't even see them as people anymore, just stupid, mindless vehicles that aimlessly wander wherever the hell they feel like, then stop at weird intervals and then lethargically continue on their apparenly pre-programmed routes of pointless wandering. Kinda like lemmings, only with driver's licenses.
There's more than one kind, too. There's the old people who actually knew Henry Ford personally and are afraid to go over 7. That's right, 7. There's the cell phone-talkers. Now I talk on my cell while driving occasionally, but seriously, if you can't pay attention to the road, hang the fuck up. What is so fucking important that you feel it's ok to put other people's lives in jeopardy? Do they have a new flavor at Starbucks that you just have to tell everyone you know about it? Because that sounds like a life and death matter. Better make sure that you let them know while pulling out of the parking lot, cause they may run out.
Then there's the soccer moms in their giant gas guzzling suvs that take up 4 lanes and provide a virtual 360 degree blind spot, advertising the fact that their kid is an honor student at Who Gives a Fuck Junior High and trying to convert you to their beliefs with a cutsie bumper sticker. I mean come on, if you have ever been even close to being converted by a bumper sticker, you are a pathetic sheep and should seriously donate yourself to science asap.
Finally, there's the chillers. That's what I call them. You know, the assholes that don't even consider that someone else is on the road with them, so they stop at stop signs, in parking lots, even in the middle of the road just to shoot the shit with their friends, who are also stopped in the middle of the road, only facing the other direction.
Anyway, this is getting kind of long. I could go on...and probably will eventually, but for now I think this gets my point across. If anybody has any theories as to why the general population of Texarkana (maybe the world) has completely lost its ability to drive, please let me know. With video games, the fact that we have been in cars our whole lives, and all the latest advances in technology, we should be better at this, not worse.

Until next time,

Clay