The Inaugural Gordie Awards

Happy New Year to everybody! I love this time of year. The weather isn't too cold yet (or at all some days), all of the stress and craziness of Christmas is over (don't get me wrong; I LOVE Christmas), and everything feels fresh and new. It's a time to start over, to leave bad habits behind, and to acquire new, better habits in their place.

It's also the time when different nations, organizations, publications, radio stations, and all sorts of other whatever-"ation"s arbitrarily bestow honor, dishonor, or in the case of the MTV Movie Awards, both at the same time. Well, I thought that with all the other "-ation"s doing it, why not Mation, too?

So I decided to bestow on these deserving groups and individuals the Inaugural "Gordie" Awards. These awards are named after me (my middle name is Gordon, in case you didn't know), and the selection process is at the sole discretion of me, so if I leave out a movie that you just LOVED and you have a thorn in your ass about it, then I either A. didn't see it, B. didn't like it, or C. it just didn't make the cut. I can't please everybody. So, without further ado, I present the Inaugural "Gordie" Awards.

Best Movie:

Winner: The Dark Knight. This was seriously one of the best movies I've ever seen. I loved every second of it. It was a comic book movie that went so much further, delving into the complex conundrum of good vs. evil, brilliantly played out by top notch performers against the gritty backdrop of Chicago. It doesn't get much better than this, folks. As a matter of fact, this is the ONLY movie I've ever blogged about, so if you want to know more about how I felt about that movie, it's just a few clicks away.

Runner up: Pineapple Express. Is it a stoner movie? Is it a comedy? Is it action? Yes. Seth Rogan was great as always and James Franco was hilarious and should REALLY stick to comedy, but Danny McBride as Red stole the show. AND it brought M.I.A. into the mainstream with Paper Planes, which is pretty awesome in itself.


Best Album:

Winner: Coldplay - Viva la Vida. What can I say? Coldplay continues to impress me with everything they put out. Everything. They say that they're not geniuses, and that they just write a whole bunch of stuff and the only thing you actually hear is the good part, but still. I bet if you listened to all that other stuff that they didn't use, it would be awesome, too.

Runner-up: Deathcab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs. I just really dug this album. If you can't tell, I was apparently into mellow sad-bastard music this year. Nonetheless, it was a really good album, possibly their best work, and "Cath..." is probably my favorite Deathcab song ever. If you've never listened to Deathcab, you should really check them out. They're a really awesome band and this album would be a good place to start.


Best Video Game:

Winner: Super Mario Galaxy. Okay, I know that techincally this game came out in December of 2007, but it was definitely my biggest electronic time-killer in this last year. I play through really good games twice, sometimes 3 times if they're really incredible, but if they even get a second play they have to be really good. I am currently going through SMG for the SIXTH time. And I've gotten everything every single time. It's probably the best Mario game ever, and it is hands-down the best game available for the Wii. If you have a Wii and you haven't played this game, go buy it. Wal-mart is open right now. This blog will be here when you get back. I'll wait for you. GO.

Runner-up: Grand Theft Auto IV. These games just keep getting cooler. I could go on about the go anywhere, do anything sandbox style of the game, but that's old news, and everything in this one is just as great as in the last few. But this time around, the story becomes much more important, as do your relationships with the various characters throughout Liberty City. I honestly think that is the crowning acheivement of GTAIV; that and the way this one was so fully realized, with TV shows, the internet, a cell phone... it just seemed so real, and oh so immersive.


Best TV Show (Drama):

Winner: House. Diagnosis: awesome. This show is one of the best on TV, and this year it has gotten nothing but better. I hope that one day I'm so good at whatever it is I'm doing that I can be a complete dick to people like House and get away with it. Plus, that show has done more for Vicodin sales than any free pen or legal pad ever could.

Runner-up: Heroes. I didn't get into Heroes until last summer, when I watched both of the first 2 seasons in about a week. Loved it. I don't even care that they steal gratuitously from pretty much every comic book ever made; it's still a ridiculously awesome show, and this season, with all of the new villians, was amazing.

Best TV Show (Comedy):

Winner: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Funniest. Show. Ever. It's been called "Seinfeld on crack," but that just doesn't do it justice. It started from humble beginnings, and the entire pilot was shot for less than $200, but it has gone on to become, well, like I said, the funniest show ever. Don't believe me? Then watch it. Then you'll agree. WILDCARD, BITCHES!!!

Runner-up: How I Met Your Mother. It's like Friends, only with people my age. And they hang out in a bar instead of a coffee shop. And it has Barney Stinson, quite possibly the most awesome character in the history of TV. The actor who plays him may be gay (Neil Patrick Harris), but Barney is a bright, shining example of not gay. Without him, it would be a really good show, but thanks to Barney, it is legen- wait for it -dary.

Hottest Hottie:

Winner: Megan Fox. Her last name says it all. She was smoking as the teenage hottie Prudence in Two and a Half Men, and then came Transformers. That's when I fell in love. Seriously, I didn't even realize that movie had giant robots until the third time through. Megan, if you're reading this, hit me up. That 90210 dude is a fag, anyway.

Runner-up: Kristen Bell. Like OMG, I totally loved her in Veronica Mars! Actually, I didn't even know what Veronica Mars was until I saw Kristen Bell in Heroes, and I still don't, but I know she was in it. I also know that she has been one of my favorite parts of Monday nights. Forgetting Sarah Marshall wasn't half bad, either.

Greatest Display of Athletic Badassery:

Winner: Michael Phelps. Obviously. Who else could it be? The dude seriously has to have flippers and gills or something. Is he a robot? The dude won 8 gold medals in this Olympics, has 16 Olympic medals overall (14 gold), and holds 7 world records in swimming. Plus he's an American, which makes it all the sweeter.

Runner-up: Usain Bolt. I really wanted to give this guy a tie with Phelps and mention the Dallas Cowboys' glorious final season at Texas Stadium, but, ahem, we all know how that turned out. But Bolt does deserve as much awe as Phelps. If Phelps is the fastest man in water, Bolt holds that honor on land, with 3 gold medals and 3 world records in the same Olympics, the first time that's ever happened.


Best Time-Killing Website:

Winner: www.HotChicksWithDouchebags.com. Feast your eyes on the likes of Fung, Gator, and Fish Slap: real live, orange bottle-tanned, spike-haired, star-tattooed douchebags who are inexplicably photographed with beautiful women. Douchebaggery runs rampant. You can't go wrong.

Runner-up: www.StuffWhitePeopleLike.com. Are you of a non-caucasian ethnicity and wonder what floats white people's boats? Are you white and just can't quite decide what it is you're supposed to like? Do you get bored from time to time and the only thing you have to entertain you is a computer? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then this website is for you. Chock full of things like Mos Def, St. Patrick's Day, sushi, and more, this site will make those hours seem like shorter hours. Check it out, and thank me later.


Okay, that's it for the "Gordies." I hope you enjoyed the list, and like I said, if you don't agree with my determinations, well, write your own list. And tell me about it, because I want to read it so I can not agree with you, too.

Until next time,

Clay