Super Mario 69... or Lack Thereof

Why does Mario continually go on these crazy journeys through the drug induced world of the Mushroom Kingdom? I mean seriously. This crazy Italian plumber has been going through sewer pipes for over 25 years, risking life and mustache to save a princess that, to the best of my extensive knowledge, has never given it up. Not to mention that he does all this in a state of inebriation that could get somebody killed in the most mundane of situations, what with all the mushrooms and flowers he's been eating. Yet, year after year, level after level, Mario fastiduously chases after that elusive princess poon, only to be shot down, again, and again, and again...

Why is that, Mario? What satisfaction do you get? I guess it's fun to jump around like you do, flying, throwing fireballs, and all that, but you gotta stop and think, man. You've been eating mushrooms all day. Are you sure that you're really doing all that stuff? For all I know, you're really just laying on the couch in your own little world. But if you are, then who is this Princess? And what is the deal with all of the fucking turtles? Did you have a bad experience at the New Jersey Petting Zoo when you were a bambino? Or is Bowser just the dude that the Princess is banging while you're out collecting stars and coins with your semi-retarded brother Luigi? Seriously, dude, you gotta move on. I hear Lara Croft is single...

Until next time,

Clay