That would be the coolest pet ever. I would name him Spank, and I would teach him to roll a joint. Then I could come home and say "Hey, Spank, twist me a fattie," and he would get right on it. How cool would that be?
Of course, monkey see, monkey do, so before long I would have a stoner monkey on my hands. I'd have to lock up my stash when I left, otherwise I'd come home to find my house in shambles; empty sack, banana peels hanging from the ceiling fan, video games turned inside out, and of course, in the midst of it all, a very happy monkey sprawled out in marijuana induced tranquility on my couch.
And I know what some of you are thinking right now. You're thinking: But Clay, don't you know that monkeys fling their dookie?
And yes, I realize that, but I have a solution. I would give the monkey his own room...one with a drain in the floor so I could just hose the whole thing down. And I'd hook it up, too. Kiddie pool in the corner, a McDonalds-esque jungle gym for him to play in, a picture window so he could see outside. That way, when he was in a shit-tossing mood, I could put him in his own room until he was calmed down. Then when he was mellow, (perhaps I could give him his own bong. Plastic, of course) I could bring him back out to join in the fun.
That would be the coolest. Everyone would know about the monkey. I could start charging the neighborhood kids to see the monkey, maybe with a peep show type device on the picture window. He'd be a big hit at birthday parties, until he started throwing poop. That would ruin a birthday, I think. Monkey turds in the ice cream. I'd probably have to add a dookie clause to the contract to protect myself and Spank from any lawsuits and what not. I could even move to Hollywood and put him in movies. Everybody loves monkeys, and they need them there all the time. Hell, he could probably support his own pot habit.
But, alas, as for now that is just a happy dream. Maybe one day I will have my monkey, though, and that's good enough for me.
Until next time,
Clay
Monday, September 28, 2009
I Wish I Had a Monkey...
Posted by Clay Monts at 11:37 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment