Control

As the summer fades into autumn, and the leaves begin to change on the trees, I stand at the threshold of great change in my own life. Because over the summer, I've learned some things and made some decisions that have enabled me to regain control of my life.

After Bryony died, I kind of lost it, and I retreated into myself, so much so that I forgot the universe and my place in it. I spiraled into a deep depression. Sure, I forged on; I got a new job, a new place, got back in college... but all of that was empty, because I was looking to that for fulfillment, something that I could only get from myself. For all the illusion of structure I had built around myself, my life was spinning out of control, and this summer, I decided to wrest back a measure of that control; I realized that I'm not helpless to the whims of the universe, I became captain of my own ship, and it all started with stopping biting my nails.

Sounds, crazy, I know, but that habit was a constant companion from childhood. It was something I was always self-consious about, and I made the decision to stop. It was a way that I could prove to myself that I had the strength to break a bad habit without upsetting the delicate balance of my life.

And it worked. I stopped, and I felt disproportionately better about myself. I had kicked that old habit, so I decided to move on to something bigger: to stop smoking cigarettes. I had quit before, for seven months, but in my depression, I picked them up again. It started innocently enough, as such things often do. I would be out drinking, which at that time I was doing a lot, and I would have a cigarette. Before I knew it, I was once again enslaved by my addiction to something that I knew was killing me.

So this summer, I made the decision to quit, and I have now been officially smoke-free for over 2 months. It's been hard at times, but It's one of the best things I've ever done, not only for myself, but for those around me.

A lot of people have asked me why I decided to shave my head, and my answer is always the same (to the point that those closest to me are probably tired of hearing it): If I'm going to go bald, I'm doing it on my own terms. And that's the truth. It's all a part of the bigger direction that my life is taking. I've also made the decision to live a greener, more eco-friendly life, to make more of an effort to connect on a real level with all the people in my life, and to generally just be happier with my situation.

A part of this control is acceptance of those things that are out of my hands. In order to truly gain peace with myself and this direction I've taken, I've also had to learn to accept my situation as it is. I've learned that even though some things are lost, they're not gone, because the good memories remain. I've learned that the capacity for feeling that I thought was gone was only hidden, and that I do still have a lot of love to give. I've learned that no matter what happens, I know I can take it, because I have the inner strength to persevere. And most importantly, I think, I've learned to cherish the present moment. Because after all, that's all we really have.

Until next time,

Clay